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julie amanda whatisthemeaningofthis
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2007|10:01 pm] |
A couple days ago I mentioned to my mother that if my friends weren't headed off to college maybe I wouldn't go. But since, as it is, they are, and in a month no one will remain in this companionably dazed limbo, waiting for a future that arrives with all the newness, oldness, and oddness of a bewitched carpet... I might as well also. It's not as if there's anything better to do. It's not as if the time and the place that I love will be here when I turn around.
There's something painfully powerless about a change like this one. The sense that even if I choose, on some backwards whim, to not accept this coming shift, my world will be altered beyond recognition anyway.
Today my neighbors stopped to offer their two cents (everybody's got spare change these days, and twinkling eyes. it's like a sudden world of quasi-dumbledores.) My neighbor warned me that I am entering the hello-goodbye phase of life. because I'm saying goodbye to this great group of people now. and in four years I'll do it again. and it'll keep happening until I settle down.
And I guess that's an okay thing. no, it's a good thing. Because a whole lot of really great people are about to stumble into my world. And I can get to know them. And I can come to love them. And the process of coming to love a whole new set of people, who are as much people as the people I know now, is thrilling. All these people laugh and make laugh and wince and yell and grin... they have amazing talents, realistically fine tuned or ambiguous dreams, honest fears and real passions... they have favorite colors and pet peeves and insecurities... and this describes all people, i guess. regina spektor would chide, "people are just people. people are just people. people are just people like you." and it sonds miraculous even though it's simple. I guess that's how I sometimes feel about the change to come, too; miraculous and simple. Because I'm terrified of all the newness. but I know that after a few weeks, things get warm. people become people. closeness builds. and the old people? I can hold them. close, even. I can even need them.
But as the mouths of all we cusp dwellers grow accustomed to forming the words "CAN'T WAIT" and "SO EXCITED" I can't help but wonder if I'm the only one who's hiding the words "anxious" and "reluctant" in lowercase letters underneath her tongue. I know by virtue of the fact that people are just people like me that I must not be the only one. But I can't help but feel like the frowning toddler who toes the edge of the swimming pool in dread as her sisters wade knee, waist or shoulder deep.
Of course, the "excitement" is genuine. I am so excited. Months away from my overbearing parents. Fun as a priority. a new city to explore. and all the things i want to learn. and all the new things I want to try. it's chilly, tingling, excellent.
But here has so much warmth. warmth, lethergy and soft places to fall back on. Womb analogies always make me uncomfortable. I won't make one now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|12:05 pm] |
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my friends,
one fault we all seemed smacked with is being so infatuated with drawing conclusions.
if we stopped saying we are and we arent and you are and you arent and he definitely is
well, we'd all be better off.
that's just what I'm thinking. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|11:51 pm] |
I am so tired.
This summer has been amazing, and it has been strange. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|11:06 am] |
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haha. I'll fill this in later. |
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| I'M A MESS! |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|09:17 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  listless | ] |
j'ai penchant for fucking up the good stuff when it comes all the sudden from the sky like perfect rain.
lots changing in my life right now. and I'm not smart enough to let any of it happen right. but that all just figures, right?
don't you hate the situations where there's absolutely nothing you can say to make anything better. regardless you just want to SAY something-- but silence is undoubtedly best. That's like... my life, these days.
sigh SIGH sigh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|07:58 pm] |
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writing camp is intensely incredible. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2006|04:26 am] |
THIS JOURNAL ENTRY IS DEDICATED TO JENNA
it is 4:30 am and I'm updating because she told me to.
I'm not done my english research paper.
I'm in the room with saryn who lost internet and who's probably clinically insane right now
earlier when I tried to wake saryn up from her 20 minute nap she said, "this is what you do if want the pants. first you get the piece get the cake then you get nothing then you get nothing then you get nothing"
then when I tried to actually wake her up, she wouldn't do it so I had to do like 3 minutes of bruce springsteen torture until she stood up with two feet on the ground.
god I'm a bitch.
I can't believe I'm updating my livejournal at 4:30 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2006|11:04 pm] |
OH, HEY BUMPER OF MY CAR!
YOU ARE SO HOT. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2006|01:03 am] |
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A very very very poor quality photo of the necklace I made my mom for mother's day:
The amorphous silver blob is really a delicate spiral.
It's a nice necklace. I miss jewelry. |
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julieunduly's journal